Just as a warning...this one's gonna be a long rambly blog.
I feel stuck in a rut. The older I get, the more I feel like I'm just really not going anywhere in life. I didn't want to be a doctor or a violinist or a firefighter or a teacher or a librarian when i grew up. I attended college and took classes that interested me with the understanding that one day I'd have to decide what I wanted to be when I grow up. Somewhere along the line I became a wife and homemaker, dropped out of college and became a full-time banker. Now I am an uneducated, unmarried full-time banker.
I love the financial industry. Honestly! EVERYONE is impacted by it in some way or another. We all have money and most of us would like to have more. I feel satisfaction when I help my customers--balancing a checkbook, consolidating debt, helping them fulfill their business dreams or just being that thoughtful, listening ear. These all sound like good things right? They sure are! I like to focus on the good things but lately the bad things just keep getting me down. My current job is all about numbers and sales. I can lie, have horrible customer service, and suck at follow through, but if I get business closed it makes me a God. It would get me discrict wide emails lauding my name isntead of Nasty Gram emails telling me I suck. When I first started working here, I was freaked OUT about being in a sales position. How was I supposed to convince people to do something they didn't want to do?? Over time I've gotten over that anxiety. I don't like to do it, but I have no problem talking to strangers on the telephone or in person and squeezing past formalities to ask them how in debt they are. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
So what's my problem then?? The business just isn't here. The client base we have tend to be older customers with a lot of money, young/middle aged customers with no money, and small business owners. In the world of opportunities, this fails. We don't have walk in traffic and we've exhausted computer generated lead lists. Now--add a dash of good ole fashioned recession and financial institution instability and you have mud pie. No one wants to take a chance at anything.
Everything about my job is making those numbers. If you make your loan dollar amounts (300k/month) but don't make your loan numbers (8 loans closed/month) you fail. They're constantly on our backs trying to push for something that isn't there. Honestly it exhausts and scares me to think that I could become one of those Americans looking for work. Would they fire 80% of their employees who are sucking wind? I don't know--but anything is possible.
More than anything I guess it's the feeling that I'm floundering. I'm a 26 yr old divorcee with no education, no career plan, who's stuck in a dead end job. There are plenty worse situations out there than mine, but I dread it all the same. I could take some risks--go back to school part or full time and get part time work but I'm scared to take those leaps. Who says going back to college would fill me with career-path knowledge? Who knows if my brain even works anymore? It seems like most of my oldests friends already have their life plan set out for them. They're mothers and wives and fill their day with adorable crafts and delicious meals--all things that amaze me. That's what I wanted to be when I grew up, but it's not my lot in life right now. So whats my fall-back plan? That is currently TBD
Ok, now that I just vomitted all my thoughts into this blog, hopefully I will be able to quiet my mind and sleep better at nights :o)
